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March 18, 2006

The Liberal Church Has Come To Hardastarboard!

GM Roper of GM's Corner is fighting cancer. A group of bloggers silently known as the South Park Republicans have joined GM in his effort to raise money in order to fight cancer. Over the next few weeks, the Liberal Church will be travelling from blog to blog and all donations made will go to aid St. Jude in their fight against cancer. If you would like to donate by snail mail, St. Jude makes it available to do that. Cancer can be a very costly battle and your help is greatly appreciated. Please add a "Fight On" ribbon to your blog. Donations can be made by clicking on St. Jude's while the plate is passed. Find the participants of "Fight On". South Park Republicans

First Church of Democrats

Bringing liberals closer to God since 2006

proudly talking liberalism in the bible belt

Worship songs play -
"EXXON - Satan's Sweatshop" - Choir
"If all houses were exactly the same, we'd all be happy" - Choir
"Crying Like It Was Yesterday" - Cindy Sheehan

Welcome to the Liberal church! I am Richard Daley Jr. but you can call me Dick. You may already know that my father was a great man. He was so great, that on election day, even the dead would vote for him. Naturally, I was born to be King Of Illinois! That's right, this is my state. If you want to live in my great state, which is the greatest state of the 51 states then... oh, there's only 50 states? What about Puerto Ric... It's NOT? Well can we trade Louisiana for Puerto Rico?

Anyway, if you want to live in my great state, which is the greatest state of the FIFTY states then, you must come before me and explain why I should allow you to live in my state. No explanation under $1,000 will suffice.

In other announcements, our missionaries in Afghanistan and Iraq have successfully committed 4,503 acts of protest against Bush's Islamic Holocaust. It was a decent week as there were 59 more successful protests! However, that's four less than last week. Please keep the insurgents in your prayers and please donate when the plate is passed around.

The "Iraqinam Sixties Protest" is getting high again, it's almost like the sixties all over again! Today we are high on the high seas of the Hard Astarboard where we can be one with the sea! We don't see blue water and green land, only shades of aqua.

Let us bow our head and make a tax payment. Oh Holy Spirit Che Guevara, give us the strength to open up other people's wallets and give to the less fortunate. Guide this great ship to the great holy land Cuba! O Holy Spirit Che Guevara, we adore you!

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

While the taxplate gets passed around, Sarah Brady will sing a song that she wrote.

Click on the Tax Plate (St. Jude)

♪♫ 'We all know that people are lib'ral where ever we go' ♫
♫ 'They are socialist cause they told us so'♫♪
♪♫ 'Gun Control is what we need to survive together alive.' ♫
♫'If Bush stays in office we are all going to die!'♫♪
♪♫ 'We learn to take, and call it give'♫
♫ 'without work, is how we live'♫♪
♪♫ '(break)' ♫
♫ 'You and me, no armory, living in perfect harmony' ♫♪
♫ 'You and me, no Bushery, living in perfect harmony' ♫♪

Thank you Sarah Brady!! Wow, that was exciting and original. I really loved that line about us dying if Bush stays in office. Unfortunately it's too late. Because George W. Bush is in office, we are all doomed to die someday. George Hitler Warmonger Bush invented death. If it wasn't for George Bush, we'd all live forever! Well George Bush, guns, not wearing seatbelts, and cigarettes are what kills you and we'd all live forever if it wasn't for those four murderers.

And drunk driving, Republican drunk drivers are murderers, true liberal Democrats wear a seatbelt when they are driving with a little extra sauce so they aren't dangerous.

Many extremists are up in arms, because I kindly asked them to explain why they need guns. That's no excuse for them to call me delusional and point their bazookas in my face.

As you all know, I am for sensible gun control. I'm not trying to take guns away from law abiding citizens but I don't think 14 year old gang members need to have access to nuclear missiles and have tanks in their backyards. There's no reason why an 8 year old should have a high powered assault rifle or deadly hand guns in his middle school locker.

We aren't talking about guns you go hunting with or the type you would have a concealed weapons permit for. We are just talking about sensible gun legislation, the types of guns that are capable of killing people should be banned.

People like Dick Cheney oppose this because they support the killing of people. Dick Cheney, as we all know, shot, and nearly killed his close friend with a high powered assault rifle. Those are the types of guns we are talking about!

Let's take a look at the history of guns...

Cain and Able, two brothers. Cain was a farmer and while farming found a corn stalk gun. That corn stalk gun jumped into the hands of Cain and forced him to kill his brother. Cain loved his brother so much but that corn stalk gun forced Cain to kill Able against his will! This was the first recorded murder and like every single murder in the history of man, was committed by a high powered assault rifle.

Lizzy Borden found a high powered assault rifle called 'the axe' and shot her step mother nineteen times and her father numerous times. Fortunately for Lizzy Borden, the jury was liberal and compassionate and found her innocent. The high power 'AXE' assault rifle was off the hook because of radical right wing extremist called 'lumber jacks' wouldn't let congress outlaw the AXE assault rifle. We know the 'lumber jacks' are right wing extremist because they were very active in destroying the environment.

Poor Lizzy had to live the rest of her life with the shame of knowing that the high powered 'Axe' assault rifle was still free to force somebody else to kill their parents, just like it forced Lizzy to kill her parents, whom she loved very much.

And who can forget Jack? This poor guy was brainwashed by a high powered assault rifle known as 'The Knife'. This weapon was so powerful that it forced Jack to kill over and over again, and he would completely forget about it by morning time. Still to this day, that high powered assault rifle remains, somewhere in hiding. We must outlaw high powered assault rifles before 'The Knife' comes out of hiding!

You can call me delusional, you can make fun of me all that you want because I want Illinois to answer for crimes, but Illinois is still just a suburb of Chicago. I am still the mayor of Chicago and its suburbs, Illinois included!

Gun extremist in Illinois are guilty of the murder of two teen age girls because they continue to aid and abet the insane criminal 'high powered assault rifle'. I have the police and the District Attorney's office working hard to outlaw the high powered assault rifle that did this. If you know who was forced to pull the trigger of the high powered assault rifle that killed these girls, please let him know that we understand he didn't want to kill the girls, the gun made him do it.

We will grant him complete amnesty because he isn't responsible for the gun crime, the gun is. Guns, as I laid out so very clearly, are responsible for every single murder in the history of mankind. Ban all guns now!

Let us bow our heads and don't forget your tax payment. Holy Spirit Che Guevara, please give us the power to create a more secure government, one that gives us a division of government that is bigger and better than before. One that will protect us from Hitler Warmonger's evil friends in the UAE. Please, oh Lord, let Democrats win so we can bring the war on terrorism back to where it belongs, here at home, within our borders. We ask this in your name Holy Spirit Che Guevara.

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.

You may come forward now and seek redemption by clicking on the link that says St. Jude.

Last Weeks Sermon (VIII)

Please help fight cancer. Join the "Fight On" campaign and help fight cancer. You can donate to St. Jude by clicking on the St Jude Link.

Give to St. Jude Children's Research


Posted by Seth at March 18, 2006 07:39 AM


I tried trackbacking but it didn't work

The new liberal church sermon is up at Hard Astarboard and as you South Parketeers know, it's my favorite episode. This week, Chicago Mayor Daley wants the gun owners of Illinois to explain to him why they need "assault rifles". In this episode, Mayor Daley gets confused and thinks Illinois is a suburb of Chicago. He must have studies geography from Jay Bennish.

I hope you enjoy!


Posted by: Louisiana Conservative at March 19, 2006 02:15 PM

And then some...

Another masterpiece from Jeffery, the author of these great church services and sermons for the liberals among us, and the creative, right-thinking blogger of Louisiana Conservative fame.

Thanks for another great one, Jeff, and this one's got to be the best so far, so also thank you for letting it happen on my blog.

Posted by: Seth at March 19, 2006 04:47 PM