…doing something like this would get you in…

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link.

H/T Shana

…one blonde joke,

Blonde in the Everglades

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades,while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine Alligator shoes, in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well, then, maybe I’ll Just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes
for free!”

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why Don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration,

“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

H/T Brenda

…have to share this one.

Three Clergymen and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first: “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

H/T Shana

…. and I just had to share it.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a “doughnut eating Gestapo.” He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “Hillary in ‘08.”

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.

H/T Shana

…. one might speculate that Rachel Corrie, who went to Israel to champion the cause of terrorists, actually bonded with Judaism in her own way, perhaps even became Kosher for Passover — after all, she did, in her own way, become a matzoh….

Farmer’s Letters is keeping up with the latest in Muslim fashion.

I received this email awhile ago, another one o’ them there forwards, and thought it was kinda’ cute, so I thought I’d share it:

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict
construction rules -each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in
the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to
communicate a timeless message, often achieving a
wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are 16 [sic] error messages from Japan:

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

——————————————–

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

——————————————–

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

————————————————

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

————————————————–

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

—————————————————

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

——————————————-

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

—————————————————

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

————————————————–

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

—————————————————

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

—————————————————

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

————————————————

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

—————————————————

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

H/T Brenda

Today’s Andy Borowitz OpEd in Jewish World Review is funnnnnyyyy!

Terrorist Bloopers.

Now this is funny.

….of the liberal state of mind, LOL!!!!

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time “working girl” in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

H/T BJS