Wesley Pruden has a great idea for securing our airplanes from terrorism.

Why not, for example, an all-pork, all-the-time airline, with its Boeings emblazoned with a ferocious razorback on the tail assembly? Each cabin would be equipped with a small, elegantly designed pig pen somewhere among the first-class seats, accommodating an endearing baby porker. This would play to the Islamist terror of dying in a crash and arriving in paradise festooned with juicy pig entrails. Would a jihadist warrior expect to greet a virgin with tasty infidel barbecue on his breath?

Even a more modest employment of the noble pig could make a lot of expensive, infuriating airport security unnecessary. The airlines could replace inedible airline food with offering a choice of ham or bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches — or matzoh ball soup for Jewish passengers who would get the joke but nevertheless wish to keep kosher in the friendly skies. This would send devout jihadists fleeing to alternative transportation on their way to assignations with violent death.

Works for me!

Hurricane Harry at H H Blowhard has a great post on how to negotiate with terrorists, LOL, that you’ve just got to check out, it’s pretty funny but at the same time couldn’t be any truer.

Don’t we wish, LOL!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”

H/T Brenda.

Sorry, I really can’t, so…

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head “no.” The agent then says, “Mr. President, it
was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy.”

Bill hesitates…but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ho-Kay! If
that is what the people want. C’mere Hilly, baby.”

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “Bill you “!^$#@&!”. The crowd
goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and
hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the
crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that! I would have never
believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
Pitch.”

H/T Brenda

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been pretty bogged down with work, in the last few days I’ve been all about a completely non-stop existence, in and out of town twice and buried while at home. So, I’m taking a break.

My computer bearing something other than work, a glass of 18 year old Glenmorangie on the rocks at hand and some good music playing, in this case some Mozart string quintets, the volume not so high that I can’t hear the wall of sound produced by the myriad birds in my treesome new neighborhood — I have about nine of the suckers, big-uns, right here on my own third of an acre of America. Being a former big city, apartment dwelling kind of guy, I can only say that this is pure paradise, albeit without all those virgins they give you when you courageously blow up some women and children in the name of the Religion of Peace.

I’ll tell you, I would never want to work in the PR department at CAIR(Council of American Islamic Relations), or, for that matter, in any department at CAIR. Can you imagine the outrageous stress levels those poor wretches must endure? You devote every minute of your workday, every last drop of sweat in your personal universe, to promoting as common knowledge that the religion you represent is one of peace and devotion to G-d, while all over the world, fellow Muslims you endorse are committing murder and mayhem in His name. The strokes and heart attacks they must have there…. What undoubtedly makes things even worse is that while you are promoting the peacefulness concept on behalf of your organization, you and the folks running said org are also profoundly supportive of Islamofascist terrorism. This has to mean that some tall tales as well as the occasional bald faced lie must be told, but hey, it’s okay to lie to infidels.

Anyway, I didn’t come to talk about terrorist animals jihadis.

As the title of this post indicates, I’m always ready to help out.

Today, I would like to help out those who aren’t completely sure where their political beliefs really are by referring them to a test that will leave no question as to where they stand. It was sent me by its author, Don Hagen, a masterpiece if ever I saw one, aptly titled THE SATIRICAL POLITICAL BELIEFS ASSESSMENT TEST.

I had read it previously, over at blog buddy Kender’s place, and thought then that it is definitely worth sharing. Have at it, it’s a lot of fun.

AND…

There are also a lot of people out there who are Democrats. These are fellow Americans, even if they are sniffing along behind the Kerrys, Kennedys, Carters and Clintons with whom our great country is patriotically challenged. So we must help them to become better Democrats, and the best way to do that is to direct them to a checklist of 21 Ways To Be A Good Democrat, which is graciously posted at Always On Watch.

Check ‘em out.

Another hat tip to Aunt Brenda:

MR. PRESIDENT, I’M HEADED TO MEXICO

David M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.com

Dear President Bush:

I’m about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
And I would like to ask you to assist me. I’m going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I’m on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won’t make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

David M. Bresnahan

How ’bout this one, courtesy of another forward from Aunt Brenda?

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or may be China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin.”

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. Could Iplease speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “asshole calling” would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of day’s later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is”, he said.

“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.

“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. “Hello.”

“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, asshole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

Due to a weekend of almost homogenious IRL activities, I’m still a little behind in my blog reading, but catching up.

If you haven’t already, you simply have to go see my blog buddy Kender for some audio from this past Thursday — the Newwwwww… ACLU Anthem!

My Illustrious Aunt Brenda, who is definitely on a roll, has sent me this one, which I personally think is really funny.

You are what you read . . .

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los AngelesTimes is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern Californiato do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country … or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.