April 11, 2008

This One’s Hilarious!

It came in an email, and I thought, “If liberal academics can revise history to their liking, why can’t conservatives?”

World History

Subject: For those that don’t know a lot about history…Here is a condensed version..

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the midpalate by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

A Major Hat Tip to Brenda!

by @ 2:41 pm. Filed under Humor, Political Humor, Truth Via Humor
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17 Responses to “This One’s Hilarious!”

  1. BB-Idaho Says:

    “Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager.” Neanderthals!

  2. Seth Says:

    BB –

    Don’t be jealous. Moose Drool just hasn’t got their message out to the masses yet. :-)

  3. Always On Watch Says:

    What a gem this is!

    I’ve often had a similar thought to the following portion:

    Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Why the hell would any political party want the logo of a jackass? Oh, wait. Because that logo fits the party’s adherents so well.

  4. BB-Idaho Says:

    Agree there were conservative hominids. If using the same basic stone tool kit for a million and a half years [see Acheulean, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acheulean ..is a conservative concept..the very early homidid homo erectus never tried to improve his way of chipping his stone, if it was good enough for Ol Urg, it was good enough for him. (They did progress to increasing wealth with the establishment of CaveBear-Stearns deep in the Oldowan Gorge, the Wall Street of the great rift area…and yes they had REAL MooseDrool :)

  5. Seth Says:

    AOW –

    It really does fit — one of the favorite ball caps I have is the one that shows the jackass leaping off a cliff with a long line of sheep following faithfully behind. To look at the current Democrat Presidential campaign status, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that particular jackass’ middle name was Hussein.

    BB –

    See? The Conservatives of the times did eventually refine their axe design (oval shaped, wonder if there was a trademark there, LOL), in order to feed and protect, while the graffiti on the cave walls was undoubtedly the sum total work of the liberals of the times, who were probably living off grants from the Bedrock Endowment For The Arts, and complaining even then that the CEO of Cavebear-Stearns was receiving too many rock units in salary & bonuses. :-)

  6. BB-Idaho Says:

    Sure, make fun of the jackass *sigh*. At least it is as American as Andrew Jackson. The elephant appears to be outsourced..India or Africa? :)

  7. Seth Says:

    C’mon, BB –

    Haven’t you ever heard of the species Elephas Maximus Americanus? It is indigenous to the more conservative enclaves within the United States, and often found in scattered herds within the environs of our more azure subdivisions, wherein it attempts to keep the dreaded species Equus Asinus Anticonstitutionus at bay. :-)

  8. Ken Taylor Says:

    This is a gem Seth. One thing that the , “history lesson, ” did leave out is that Conservatives have a scense of humor and liberals do not!

  9. BB-Idaho Says:

    Now that you mention it, my very red state is over run with Wooly Mammoths, the primitive precursor to the elephant. These are the types that seek legislation to permit steam rollers in the fields this Spring…
    wanna grow mashed potatoes! *heh*

  10. Gayle Says:

    Looks like BB is having a lot of fun here! :)

    I love this one Seth… hysterical! Thanks for sharing.

  11. atheling Says:

    Lol, Seth, I guess I’m an anomaly. I eat sushi AND beef!

  12. Seth Says:

    Ken –

    That was one of the things that furnished a source of entertainment for me when I lived in San Francisco, the fact that the ultra-lefties there were so easy to P.O., because they very definitely had no senses of humor. They were serious to a fault when it came to anyone expressing amusement at and making fun of the Utopian bumper-stickerisms that formed the basis of their political worldview.

    In fact, besides In-&-Out Burger, that’s about the only thing I miss about living there.

    BB –

    They wanna grow mashed potatoes, ROTFLMAO!!!! See? A fine example of conservatives striving for useful, progressive agricultural innovation, and this from our aborigine sector cousins, no less.

    I wonder if garlic is also an Idaho crop, it would be wonderful if someone there could do some cross-breeding and grow garlic mashed potatoes. Yum! :-)

    Gayle –

    When I opened the email and read it, I was caught off guard and it came within mere centimeters of being a coffee-to-keyboard spewer.

    I felt there was no choice but to share it. :-)

  13. Seth Says:

    Atheling –

    On the rare occasions that I find myself in a sushi environment, I stick to the tuna (and the attendant spring rolls where available), with lots of that hot mustard that always seems to be there (definitely clears the sinuses). The only exception to that was over 20 years ago when I worked on Wall Street and was entertaining the Ops Mgr from our Wilmington office, a guy who’d grown up as an “Army brat”, as he put it, in Okinawa and, being in New York, craved sushi.

    I took him to one of the best sushi-oriented Japanese restaurants, of the time, in Manhattan and we ordered this immensely populated tray of assorted raw fish. Of course, we’d beforehand consumed numerous double tequila sunrises and I was feeling no pain, so to speak, so I indulged rather heavily (he’d stare at me in a challenging manner to see if I could eat a given piece of sushi, and I would buck up and devour it without grimacing, LOL — thank G-d for the hot mustard!)

    Otherwise, the closest I get to sushi is lox, on a bagel or bialy with cream cheese or scrambled with eggs & red onion. :-)

    Now, I love lobster, clams and mussels, but they must be cooked.

  14. atheling Says:


    Oh yes, shellfish must be cooked for me too (although I can do oysters on the half shell if they are REALLY fresh and with some lemon juice and horseradish).

    I live in the Pacific Northwest, and the smoked salmon here is not as good as lox - YUM! I have to say that my favorite sushi is salmon - and it’s wonderful up here. I also like escolar, which is a mild white caribbean fish. I can’t abide raw squid or octopus - that’s where I draw the line in sushi.

    Now you’re making me crave lox with bagels with cream cheese…! (Thinking about making a special trip to the store!) I also love lox in a cream sauce with pasta.

    Notice we get all happy about food here? LOL!

  15. Seth Says:

    Atheling –

    When I think of squid, I think of a good title for a new film: Sand In The Calamari, LOL.

    Excluding the Caribbean, where you can get some awesome langostas (immense, delicious, clawless lobsters), I have found the best place for seafood to be the Eastern Seaboard with the Gulf of Mexico (using the great seafood dishes available in New Orleans as a basis for this) as the runner-up.

    I definitely love a good steak & lobster (surf & turf) dinner. When I was married about 28 years ago and my wife and I lived in Puerto Rico, we used to go to a really neat seaside restaurant in a small fishing village between Humacao and Naguabo that served a really great langosta (the back cracked open and the “meat” deliciously spiced) and steak dinner that I fondly recall to this day. To add to the meal, it was to be had on a candlelit balcony overlooking the roaring surf.

    Commentary on good food is always welcome here! :-)

  16. ABF Says:

    I’ve seen a lot of versions of this, but this has the best description yet. Probably the most factual as well… LOL

  17. Seth Says:

    AB –

    I was “cherry” as far as this one goes, y’all must get more such variations up there in the Great White North (courtesy, Bob & Doug MacKenzie!). :-)

    If we’re gonna do history, may as well make it accurate, right? — and to judge from our liberal quotient today, I agree that it’s as factual as it can get.