December 16, 2006
This One Came In An E-mail....
.... and I just had to share it.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
H/T Shana
Posted by Seth at 02:18 PM | Comments (6) |
November 24, 2006
Maybe It's In Poor Taste, But....
.... one might speculate that Rachel Corrie, who went to Israel to champion the cause of terrorists, actually bonded with Judaism in her own way, perhaps even became Kosher for Passover -- after all, she did, in her own way, become a matzoh....
Posted by Seth at 08:06 AM | Comments (6) |
November 18, 2006
Islamic Fashion
Farmer's Letters is keeping up with the latest in Muslim fashion.
Posted by Seth at 01:53 PM |
October 29, 2006
Haiku, Indeed
I received this email awhile ago, another one o' them there forwards, and thought it was kinda' cute, so I thought I'd share it:
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict
construction rules -each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in
the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to
communicate a timeless message, often achieving a
wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are 16 [sic] error messages from Japan:The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.---------------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
H/T Brenda
Posted by Seth at 10:49 AM | Comments (10) |
October 24, 2006
Cudos To Andy Borowitz
Today's Andy Borowitz OpEd in Jewish World Review is funnnnnyyyy!
Posted by Seth at 08:13 AM | Comments (3) |
September 24, 2006
Infomercial...
Terrorist Bloopers.
Posted by Seth at 05:30 PM | Comments (6) |
September 16, 2006
This Is So Definitive....
....of the liberal state of mind, LOL!!!!
Dear Abby:I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
H/T BJS
Posted by Seth at 11:15 PM | Comments (22) |
August 15, 2006
OINK!
Wesley Pruden has a great idea for securing our airplanes from terrorism.
Why not, for example, an all-pork, all-the-time airline, with its Boeings emblazoned with a ferocious razorback on the tail assembly? Each cabin would be equipped with a small, elegantly designed pig pen somewhere among the first-class seats, accommodating an endearing baby porker. This would play to the Islamist terror of dying in a crash and arriving in paradise festooned with juicy pig entrails. Would a jihadist warrior expect to greet a virgin with tasty infidel barbecue on his breath?Even a more modest employment of the noble pig could make a lot of expensive, infuriating airport security unnecessary. The airlines could replace inedible airline food with offering a choice of ham or bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches — or matzoh ball soup for Jewish passengers who would get the joke but nevertheless wish to keep kosher in the friendly skies. This would send devout jihadists fleeing to alternative transportation on their way to assignations with violent death.
Works for me!
Posted by Seth at 11:11 PM | Comments (4) |
August 14, 2006
How To Negotiate With Terrorists
Hurricane Harry at H H Blowhard has a great post on how to negotiate with terrorists, LOL, that you've just got to check out, it's pretty funny but at the same time couldn't be any truer.
Posted by Seth at 07:14 AM |
May 16, 2006
No Pain, No Gain?
Don't we wish, LOL!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSIONQ: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
H/T Brenda.
Posted by Seth at 05:57 AM |
May 12, 2006
I'm Sorry, But I Just Can't Resist...
Sorry, I really can't, so...
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to
Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it
was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy."Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If
that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly, baby."With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!". The crowd
goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and
hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the
crowd.He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never
believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
Pitch."
H/T Brenda
Posted by Seth at 12:50 AM |
April 22, 2006
Always Ready To Help Out
For the last couple of weeks I've been pretty bogged down with work, in the last few days I've been all about a completely non-stop existence, in and out of town twice and buried while at home. So, I'm taking a break.
My computer bearing something other than work, a glass of 18 year old Glenmorangie on the rocks at hand and some good music playing, in this case some Mozart string quintets, the volume not so high that I can't hear the wall of sound produced by the myriad birds in my treesome new neighborhood -- I have about nine of the suckers, big-uns, right here on my own third of an acre of America. Being a former big city, apartment dwelling kind of guy, I can only say that this is pure paradise, albeit without all those virgins they give you when you courageously blow up some women and children in the name of the Religion of Peace.
I'll tell you, I would never want to work in the PR department at CAIR(Council of American Islamic Relations), or, for that matter, in any department at CAIR. Can you imagine the outrageous stress levels those poor wretches must endure? You devote every minute of your workday, every last drop of sweat in your personal universe, to promoting as common knowledge that the religion you represent is one of peace and devotion to G-d, while all over the world, fellow Muslims you endorse are committing murder and mayhem in His name. The strokes and heart attacks they must have there.... What undoubtedly makes things even worse is that while you are promoting the peacefulness concept on behalf of your organization, you and the folks running said org are also profoundly supportive of Islamofascist terrorism. This has to mean that some tall tales as well as the occasional bald faced lie must be told, but hey, it's okay to lie to infidels.
Anyway, I didn't come to talk about terrorist animals jihadis.
As the title of this post indicates, I'm always ready to help out.
Today, I would like to help out those who aren't completely sure where their political beliefs really are by referring them to a test that will leave no question as to where they stand. It was sent me by its author, Don Hagen, a masterpiece if ever I saw one, aptly titled THE SATIRICAL POLITICAL BELIEFS ASSESSMENT TEST.
I had read it previously, over at blog buddy Kender's place, and thought then that it is definitely worth sharing. Have at it, it's a lot of fun.
AND...
There are also a lot of people out there who are Democrats. These are fellow Americans, even if they are sniffing along behind the Kerrys, Kennedys, Carters and Clintons with whom our great country is patriotically challenged. So we must help them to become better Democrats, and the best way to do that is to direct them to a checklist of 21 Ways To Be A Good Democrat, which is graciously posted at Always On Watch.
Check 'em out.
Posted by Seth at 03:33 PM | Comments (2) |
April 11, 2006
Reverse Wetbackin'
Another hat tip to Aunt Brenda:
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICODavid M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.comDear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
And I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following:1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
David M. Bresnahan
Posted by Seth at 12:45 AM |
April 07, 2006
A Pleasant Fantasy
How 'bout this one, courtesy of another forward from Aunt Brenda?
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or may be China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
Posted by Seth at 11:31 AM |
March 27, 2006
A Funny From My Illustrious Aunt Brenda
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could Iplease speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of day's later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
Posted by Seth at 10:29 PM | Comments (3) |
March 13, 2006
A.C.L.U.'s New Anthem
Due to a weekend of almost homogenious IRL activities, I'm still a little behind in my blog reading, but catching up.
If you haven't already, you simply have to go see my blog buddy Kender for some audio from this past Thursday -- the Newwwwww... ACLU Anthem!
Posted by Seth at 02:26 PM |
January 27, 2006
You Are What You Read
My Illustrious Aunt Brenda, who is definitely on a roll, has sent me this one, which I personally think is really funny.
You are what you read . . .1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los AngelesTimes is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern Californiato do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
Posted by Seth at 02:32 AM |
January 26, 2006
Clinton Vs Titanic
Another goody from my beloved Aunt Brenda, conservative Democrat at large.
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to readTitanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
Posted by Seth at 04:39 PM |
January 15, 2006
Refreshingly Remembered Roasts
I've been keeping really busy for the last several days working on the house I closed on exactly ten days ago and moved into four days later. I mean, I'm transforming this wonderful red brick ranch style house into my permanent home and, being only a semi-patient man, I am doing so at what some might call an accellerated pace.
Jeff has the living and dining room floors about 1/3 done, laying new oak floors in their stead, then he'll be doing the den. In less than twelve hours, carpeting people will be here to lay 122 square yards of exactly what I want and the next day, DirecTV will be doing a lot of installation work here. Furniture will begin flowing in on Tuesday. So a lot's going down on my modest 1/3 acre of the planet.
Modest, sure, but at least I have six big trees on my property, and coming from a city/apartment kind of background, that's a major detail!
But that's not what I'm posting about, it's partially a valid excuse as to why I'm still in this scarce posting period but mostly about still another reason I miss the 1960s and 1970s so much.
Early last week I ordered the entire DVD collection of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. They arrived two days ago, and I've been watching them almost whenever I'm not doing things to the house.
They are male tuxedoed and formal womened groups of top stars of every ilk sitting along a daiz, taking turns giving good natured, super-funny insults to whoever the man or woman of the week happened to be. They were televised.
What I love about them is that most of the toasters and toastees were friends and acquaintances from that era's Hollywood and 'Vegas crowds and they were completely confident that they could go as low, as funny or as irreverent as they wished, political correctness{the dreaded "PC"} not an issue.
No one entertained any fear of being sued for their comments at the roasts, which believe you me could be rather extreme, they knew it was all in fun.
We're talking the likes of Dean Martin(of course), Milton Berle, Ruth Buzzi, Nipsy Russell, Don Rickles, George Burns, Rich Little, Flip Wilson, Foster Brooks, Lucille Ball, LaWanda Page, Jimmy Walker, Phyllis Diller, Jack Benny and so many other comedians of yore who, without using a single profanity, could get as adult as you dare while uttering nothing that a child could be "enlightened" by and behysterically funny utterly hilarious to where your most recent sip of coffee or other beverage spews across the room before you have the opportunity to swallow it and your sides ache from your hard, uncontrollable laughter.
The atmosphere was patriotic, none of the leftist entertainment industry output we encounter today. When those people went wrong, they did so big time.
The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts really bring me back to a time when things were much more clean and honest in the entertainment industry, before they brought on the Marxism and PC many of their number had once privately embraced, to today's extremes.
Today's comedy isn't nearly as original and is, in many cases, too PC, but unfortunately too many of today's young people don't even know that, because while it's out there, they need to give it a chance.
The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts are so completely, awesomely hilarious to watch without all the PC baggage and otherwise lawsuit-motivated sensitivity that they easily bring back a more pleasant era that existed before the liberals in America decided that it was time to separate Americans from one another by emphasizing their differences and controlling their use of the English language and its vocabulary.
Young people who were born within the last quarter century have absolutely no idea how funny those Rat Pack era comics could be, they need to go here ASAP and get a clue.
Posted by Seth at 07:03 PM |
January 04, 2006
Sajak On Algebra
Game show host Pat Sajak's got an amusing piece going at JWR today.
The time has long since passed when I could be of any use to my teenage son when it comes to the matter of math homework. I'm fairly useful in the fields of English and History, less so with Science and Latin, but totally superfluous in the bizarre world of Algebra.
That point was driven home again the other night when he introduced me to an imaginary number, or, as those wacky mathematicians like to call it, i. Here is the issue, as I understand it, and I'm not at all sure I do. There is no real way to find the square root of a negative number, because any number multiplied by itself would be positive. So, you might logically assume that, since a number can't exist, there's no point looking for it. Well, you'd be wrong. Apparently the inability of a number to exist isn't a sufficient reason not to find a way to pretend it exists.
I can sympathize with ya', Pat. I'd be more lost than you are.
Posted by Seth at 10:23 AM |
December 28, 2005
T'was The Night Before Hanukkah!
My friend GM, of Gm's Corner, cross-posted this one from Winds of Change, a great site I've had blogrolled since I first began blogging, and being an American born Jew who grew up in a time when Yiddish and Jewish humour, courtesy of our immigrant parents and grandparents who were alive and well in the family I simply could not resist cross-posting it in turn.
It is simply brilliant!
'Twas the night before Hanukkah and all over the place There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace! The Kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt The chocolate rush from the Hanukkah geltAnd me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkesWhen up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"From Vancouver to Glace Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Hanukkah fake;And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs!"And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"(Author Unknown)
Posted by Seth at 02:02 AM | Comments (2) |
December 26, 2005
While Amusing, Not Unlikely These Days
This column by Mark Bazer is not only funny, but it also rings pretty true when you look at the average "running scared" corporate response to today's rampant and ridiculous litigious environment.
Posted by Seth at 04:21 AM |
November 21, 2005
How True!
And this one just in from my beloved Aunt Brenda.
How Government WorksOnce upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person
at $18,000.00 a year for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people,
one person to write the instructions for $22,000.00, and one
person to do time studies for an additional $22,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two
people. One to do the studies for $31,000.00 and one to
write the reports for an additional $31,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper for
$35,000.00 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an
additional $35,000.00, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three
people, an Administrative Officer at $155,000.00 per year,
Assistant Administrative Officer $125,000.00, and a Legal
Secretary for an additional $100,000.00 per year.
Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year
with a budget cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over
budget. We must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman!
Posted by Seth at 07:29 AM | Comments (2) |
November 01, 2005
Alternative To Surrender
French rower finishes 'record-breaking' solo Pacific crossing: teamSAN FRANCISCO (AFP) - French rower Emmanuel Coindre ended a landmark 129-day solo voyage across the Pacific Ocean between Japan and the United States, setting a new record, according to his team.
Annnnnnd:
His reported feat comes 14 years after fellow Frenchman Gerard D'Aboville became the first person to row across the Pacific, rowing from Choshi, Japan, to Ilwaco in Washington state in 134 days.
It would seem that the French have this market cornered, wouldn't it?
Could these folks actually be taking part in a secret military experiment on behalf of the French Navy, who may have decided that they needed a second option in their arsenal of combat tactics?
I mean, so far, the only tried and true tactic in the French military strategy manual, which of course includes their navy, has been the Surrender Option, usually the wisest course for implementing the saving of their skins, so perhaps now they're experimenting with a back-up plan, that of a Retreat Option, in which case these personnel seem to be succeeding in their quest:
They're discovering doable ways by which the French Navy can escape the necessity of surrender, by bravely beating feet across the sea, away from the looming menace of any violent confrontations.
Go, France!
And keep on going..
Posted by Seth at 07:27 AM | Comments (2) |
August 24, 2005
There's Humor Afoot
Some funny stuff to get our Wednesday off to a cheerful start includes the great fisking of one of Bob Herbert's uniformly inane, too liberal to be believed NYT columns at Vince Aut Morire and gua-run-teed lotta laughs in a lookalikes gallery at Cosmic Tribune, hat tip there to Sister Toldjah
Enjoy!
Posted by Seth at 02:56 PM | Comments (2) |
August 17, 2005
Amusing, But True...
In today's Jewish World Review, John Stossel has an amusing commentary on the grim realities of food labelling.
None of the food companies that used the deceptive labels would talk to me about this, which is too bad because I'd love to know how an olive company came up with 1.5 olives as its serving size. A jar of smaller olives, which lists 14 as a serving, seems a lot more honest. Who would ever eat 1.5 olives? The folks we talked to at the mall wouldn't. "What, are you going to throw away half of it?" one woman asked.
Posted by Seth at 12:36 PM | Comments (2) |
August 04, 2005
This Is Funny!
James Lileks has this account of John Bolton's first day on the job.
Now that John Bolton has been installed as United Nations ambassador -- by the time-honored recess appointment or the power-crazed overreach of King Emperor Bush Fuhrer, depending on your point of view -- one can only wonder how he'll do. Here's a hypothetical workday. (Note that he's made it out of Washington without some senators throwing themselves on the train tracks to keep him from leaving. Or, rather, having aides throw themselves on the tracks. Make that interns. Aides might say things under anesthesia.) Anyway. The limo pulls up to the glistening U.N. building at 7:59 a.m....
You know, when I read these comic sketches, especially by those with the savvy of Lileks, I can actually picture them as possible reality. I mean, after what we've seen of totally out-of-the-park statements by liberal politicians, Congressional propositions from the left and the reaching of the Mainstream Media in their continually weakening endeavors to undermine American patriotism, values, religious beliefs and our very survival, it's unfortunately very difficult not to be able to picture these comic applications as possibilities.
Noon -- Bolton presents his credentials to Kofi Annan, who is sweating and nervous. The lunch is amiable until Bolton, his hand still aching from a vigorous game of handball, makes a fist and cracks his knuckles, whereupon Annan takes a stack of papers from his desk, stammers that it has all the details on the oil-for-food scandal, and begs not to be put in a cell next to his son. "He snores," Annan begs.
Check it out. 
4:07 -- At the cafeteria, Bolton gets a doughnut and a cup of coffee; the cashier informs him she'll put it on the U.S. tab. Bolton insists on paying himself; she shrugs and asks for $428.26.
Posted by Seth at 04:30 AM | Comments (3) |
July 31, 2005
A Funny
This column by Andy Borowitz is brief but fun, and when you think about NK nut-job Kim Jong-Il, well...
Posted by Seth at 11:56 PM |
July 16, 2005
Wishful Thinking
Over at Intellectual Conservative, there is a list of MSM headlines we would love to see but never will. Check it out.
Posted by Seth at 08:34 PM |
